So, the course is now a week and a bit old and I have mostly been continuing with the freewriting. Below, for your delectation, are some of my better efforts, so far, with this technique. Feel free to comment as honestly as you wish (ok, yeah, I know no-one's actually reading this but I live in hope/delusion).
1. Coffee, toast and three paracetamol take the edge off the too-early morning but have little effect on my mood. The night rattled and shook with anxiety, half-formed worries, limbs in the wrong position, pillow hot and lumpy, cold sweat, hot room. Deep breaths, in and out. Dad taught me this, for growing pains that made me cry. Relax muscles, start with the toes and move up. Never get higher than the tummy, either fall asleep or get frustrated. Never count sheep. Times tables sometimes. Six, eight, or twelve and above. Anything else is too easy. Used to be scared of the dark. Vampires for a while. Death. Size of the universe. Now I’m more mundane – money, love, the future. If there were a burglar in the house, who would stand in front of the others? Eldest first? Who would I die for? Is it okay to be a coward? Are heroes just unimaginative? What will death feel like? Not the afterlife, but the moment when life leaves you. Or you leave life. Would drugs help me sleep?
2. There was something unbelievable in the desk drawer... an enormous black dildo. Not black like a man’s flesh but deep, pitch, inky black. Smooth and shiny, like patent leather. Like an oil slick. Would it be cold to the touch? It looked like an insect, crouched and folded away in the dark, ready to strike if disturbed by an intrusive, searching hand. Nested in amongst the froth of lacy lingerie and odd socks, bold black centre of the swirling colours. A threat? A replacement? A fantasy? A secret or something to be drawn out, raised eyebrows, suggestive smile? Slam the drawer shut. First things first.